Ella

This is my new God-Niece, Ella and her momma Sarah. If you have not heard of the term God-Aunt before it's the melding of being a fake aunt and a non Godmother. A basic sad attempt to be in the kids life but never have to send a check.

San Diego to Steubenville

In 14 hours I will be out the door and on the way to the airport for the second time this week. This time I'm headed to Steubenville, Ohio. I'm looking forward to perfect weather, drinkable water and thousands of Catholics all gathered in one place. One outta three won't be bad. Call the police if I'm not back by Sunday night.

Cardinal DiNardo

He wanted a picture with me just in case I ever get famous.

Houston

Melting in Houston, Texas today. It seems that God forgot to turn off the oven here. Once again, San Diego wins. Usually I am in Texas every time I fly. Since Continental lands here no matter where you fly I'm often in the George Bush airport. It was weird to not just sit in the terminal for a few hours but to actually go outside, into the oven. I was just informed we are having a "cool down" because it's only going to be 99 today.
Now I'm heading over to the Hilton for the start of the Archdiocesan Youth Conference (AYC). It should be a good time if the AC stays on. I am looking forward to hanging out with Paul and Ennie my brothers from two different mothers who are also speaking this weekend. Then on Sunday we are heading out on the "Big Black Judy", a boat named after yours truly...pictures to soon follow.

Daniel

This is Daniel.
I am friends with his mom.
I really hope that is chocolate.

A mouse funeral a la Mikey and Patch...notice Mikey giving his respect with a final salute.

I think I single handily ruined my mom's birthday yesterday. I should have learned by now, NO WIRE HANGERS!

Virginia Mae

It's the first day of July and in my house that means one thing, my mom's birthday!
Usually by her actual birthday we have all given her birthday presents all ready because either we can not contain ourselves to wait until her actual birthday to shower her with presents or she gives us those puppy dog eyes and we just can't refuse and we buckle and pre-gift her.
I'm way too young to have a mom who is 70 but she's only 70 on paper.
The truth is she has more energy than me and about 99 percent of the people I know.
When I travel and meet grandmas and grandpas I am always surprised when they tell me they are in their 60's because my mom (and dad) could totally kick their butt's!
Age really is all in your head.
Now some people freak out when they hit certain numbers, but in the end it's what you do with the number. I know a lot of 40 year olds who will never do half the stuff my mom will do just in the next week.
Basically I'm hoping her genes are my size and I can borrow heavy from them...I know I can't fit into her wedding dress, that's not true, my left thigh made it through. All I know is that when I grow up I want to be just like my mom. And when I finally do grow up she'll be there, dragging me somewhere three steps behind.
Happy birthday mom! I love you.

Patch's Big Adventure

We had tickets to the Padre game last week and what with gas prices what they are and the fact that out of three cars at our house together they don't equal one good car, my dad had the great idea that he wanted to take the Coaster down to the Padre game. He dubbed the evening, "Patch's Big Adventure".
I said no, thank you because I hate the Coaster. Not because I hate trains but because I hate not having a car i.e. some way of getting the heck outta Dodge if mom or dad attract the fuzz and we have to make a quick get away like we have so many times before. Also it kind of smells. But Pop insisted, in fact I believe the quote I heard was "I am not going unless we take the Coaster". So, we got in the car and headed west. We first stopped at Angelo's in Carlsbad to carb-load on cheeseburgers and fries, a staple for my people. After feeding our arteries we had time to stop at a store for candy, how could we say no to Pop, they are so cute at that age. I went in with him and mom guarded the van, it's a rough neighborhood and we didn't want to take any chances. I grabbed a packet of gum and Pop bought 2 ice cream cones. One for him and the other for him as well, as I said, we had a big adventure and we needed to be prepared for it.
We got to the Coaster station and dropped mom off while we parked so she could buy Pop a ticket. She already had two tickets she scored from being a juror that she and I would use, you see once again the perks to the Coaster, we save money! She promptly headed to the ATM machine to buy the tickets before being yelled at that it was the wrong machine. Who yells at a sweet lady like that? I do. I have traveled with her through Europe twice and know how to keep us both alive and it involves yelling.
Once we got on the train we headed upstairs and sat down. I read the ticket and right away noticed it said NOT VALID FOR THE COASTER. In my most respectful voice I calmly pointed this fact out. Mom had read her ticket that was valid and assumed the other was too, it was not. Immediately both me and Pop turned white...we knew for sure the fuzz would be coming to take her away. I said I would go buy a new ticket but it was too late and the train started. We were law breakers. Or at least Gin was after I made her hold the naughty ticket that WAS NOT VALID FOR THE COASTER. She swore it would be fine and when questioned she would just explain that she made a mistake...yes, that one always works. We were convinced every time the police officer patrolling the train walked by that he was about to arrest her, especially because every time he walked by I would point to her and cough "criminal". It also didn't help the man sitting behind us was talking very loudly about all the times he and his common law marriage wife were arrested for drugs, and I knew my mom definitely had baby aspirin in her purse. It further justified my sense of "ickiness" I receive while riding the train.
Well, nneedless to say my mom only learned that riding the train with the wrong ticket is not only illegal but extremely exhilarating.
We made it to the San Diego train depot, walked to the trolley station, made it to Petco Park, walked 5 miles to get to our seats, spent $35 on nachos and a Diet Pepsi, watched the Padres lose and got back on the damn train. This time I bought Gin her ticket so Pop could enjoy the thrill of riding the train without feeling like his wife would get arrested at any minute. We spent the time riding back up the coast playing "Name That Tune" off my ipod (luckily I have hours of age appropriate music for such an occasion).
All and all I thought Patch's big adventure was just short of an episode of Intervention and C.O.P.S. mixed together, but Patch and Gin seemed to have fun so overall it was a wash.

Visitors

My sister Chris, her husband Craig and daughters Kelsey and Sydney were in town last week for an early celebration of my mom's birthday. No one enjoyed their visit more than Chewie. This might be my favorite Chewie/Sydney picture of all time.

Come See!

I just got back from New Orleans and saw all sorts of cool things. and people and ate my caloric intake for the month in 2 days. All in all it was my best trip of the week!

It's Better This Way

I'm sad that my Mom and Dad turned down the contract TLC offered them to do a reality show about us. Right after they turned them down TLC offered it to Jon and Kate plus 8. In retrospect it was a good move on my parents part. Gin and Patch Plus One would have been awkward and bad for my image. I want to seem bad to the bone but undoubtedly after seeing hours of footage of me at home everyone would know how saintly and humble I am and my cover would be blown.

Leno

Tonight is Jay Leno's last night as the host of Tonight Show. I'm sure he is kicking himself for not having me on the actual Tonight Show while the camera was on, but sitting on the couch right before the show last year was all I could give him.

I'm saving myself for Conan.

'The Iron Nun'

'The Iron Nun'

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Memorial Day

Dogs Playing Poker

I like Art.
Classy art.
If you have ever been over to my house or just happen to be one of my stalkers that peeks in you undoubtedly have noticed my collection and have uttered the word, "classy".
The framed Bing Crosby prints and posters from his golf tournaments, sure. The posters and bills from my comedy shows. The signed black and white 8 by 10' of my comedy heroes; Don Rinkles, Betty White, Tim Conway, and Bob Newhart. Right next to them, Pope John Paul II and Mother Teresa; one of my favorite comedy teams, come on, you know between the two of them some jokes had to be cracked and if you didn't get them it was because you were not holy enough too. We move on to the Jesus playing hockey painting. Various crucifixes I rescued from a Belgium flea market that were surely pillaged from a closing church. Numerous photographs of friends and family and oddities I picked up during my travels doing stand-up.
And then the piece I am most proud of.

Dogs Playing Poker.

About 15 years ago when my mom decided that our family room should not look like a brothel just because we have a bar and cards were being played on a regular bases the DPP came down. After negotiations they were not throw out but stored under the bar where they rested in between 40 year old bottles of fermenting booze (which was best enjoyed after opening and after proper refrigeration) and other junk that didn't fit anywhere else.
about 10 years ago while moving into an apartment for the semester at USD I found them and they promptly went up on my wall. How proud I was. How good I felt to educate people on how lucky I was to have such art hanging in my room. I was borrowing art from my parents.
I moved and down came the DPP and they found their way into my closet where they have been resting until yesterday when they saw the light again.
Not wanting to show off I just put one up for now. "A FRIEND IN NEED" is now proudly displayed in a place of honor, right below Bing but not above Jesus.
Every time I gaze upon it I saw a prayer of thanksgiving for the artist who painted it, C. M. Coolidge and also for the people in the sweat shop who recreated the one that hangs on my wall.
Classy.

Mission San Luis Rey

Tonight i did a show for the jolly Franciscan Friars. Didn't actually see any of the Friars, but I knew they were there, I could hear them giggling.

Twit

Have you heard of Twitter? It's like the lazy man's blog. You have 140 characters to say something. Doesn't matter what. It could be what your doing, who your stalking, what you just ate, what's trying to eat you, anything. As long as you get it in 140 characters. It's like blogging for the severe A.D.D.

Just look at my last week of "tweets"

1. Thank you 30 Rock for writing a line for Alan Alda which included "baby" and "chicken". I get you and I appreciate it. I miss MASH.
2. Horse Doctor!
3. @darlahickman (Screamed to the tune of Jaws theme) phone call...phone call...phone call, Darla call me, Darla call me, da na na!
4. @joiafarmer have you tried the McRib?
5. Catholic Comedy Night With Judy McDonald May 15th, 2009 http://bit.ly/xgmTh Tell your Lutheran friends.
6. Golfing & If I close my eyes & listen it sounds like the Golden girls are here minus Dorthy.You shouldn't golf with your eyes closed though.
7. Lost makes my head hurt...than again, so does Sponge Bob.
8. Hooray for the Foy's and Baby #7! Liam was only 2 weeks late, but in Irish time that's early.
9. How long am I required to keep my 4th grade free throw champ trophy? If I do get rid of it, how?Sell it to a stalker or save it for a relic?
10. Baking sheep.
11. Classic trashy Lifetime movie alert: Mother, May I Sleep With Danger.
12. Red Bull Air Races.
13. I love having shows that follow "tea and then dinner". It's my version of a salary bonus.
14. @toddlemieux Do you do windows
15. Hope I can live up to my new Pergo lifestyle.
16. @popplemusic did it twice, it's been up on youtube for like 5 weeks.
17. I'm officially turning into my mom. On my run I asked a dog if he got a haircut. It has begun.
    
18. "Did you know a rattlesnake can bite you 5 hours after you cut its head off?" - I learn so much when I golf with the Nifty Niners.

Clearly you can see that I had a full and rich week. Although you might not know what have of then mean, I do and can look back at them when questioned on my whereabouts if anyone ever asks.
And the beauty of it is this saves my stalkers tons of man hours! I'm looking out for those who stare at me through binoculars while parked outside my house in an ice cream truck.

In The Buff

I was honored to bring comedy to Buffalo this week and in return Buffalo gave me wings and a sweatshirt that will insure I will never get lost in public again. Thanks Buffalo!

13

Tommy turns 13 today.

I remember the day he was born, I was so proud because he peed on the nurse.

And now he can officially see PG-13 movies.

He can be drafted into the army in 5th world countries.

And he finally stopped marking nurses.

So proud!