2010 Year in Review

I'm skipping past the year in review of 2009 and Im going to just let you know what happens in 2010.  2010 is really good for me, I'm not even gonna lie.  First of all I win the lottery and get run over by an Amtrak train all on the same day.  But don't worry, I settle out of court and let's just say in 2010 Mctraks run right on time.  The lotto win allowed me to finally buy my own place, one for each day of the week.  I finally bought everyone in my family new cars, mom, really loves her new Hummer and dad is all over town on his Vespa.  We make him wear a helmet, we have matching ones that I wear while I'm eating.

2010 also brought an opportunity to host my own late night talk show.  I declined the offer but kept the free t-shirt.

While on a trip to Ireland I fell down a hill and landed on my now fiance Dr. Seamus Patrick Sean Murphy.  He doesn't practice medicine anymore since he's so good at it.  We don't marry in 2010 because I told him I won't get hitched until he gets his handicap down.  Like I'd marry somebody with a 4 handicap, please, as if.

2010 also brought my 200,000 air mile which earned me the right to wear the pilots hat and 2 free refills on flights over 4 hours long as longs as no one has a bomb in their knickers.

Summer of 2010 was quite embarrassing.  While out for a late surf session a photographer from Sports Illustrated snapped a shot of me which landed on the cover which a major wash-board company president saw and signed me as there spokesperson.

The best part of 2010 in my opinion was my Oscar nominee for my portrayal as Michelle Obama, but that's another story, for another time.

Who'd a thunk it, little ole me?

2010 was a great year!

Spidey Senses

I don't know if God found a sale on spiders or what, but for the past week we have had a spider population explosion at our house. Our front walk way has hedges on either side, a perfect alleyway for spiders looking to catch a bug, a fly or a human in their web. You can hear when someone in my family forgets that they are there because a giant groan can be heard when the web hits their face.

I really don't mind spiders, they serve their purpose, they eat crawly things and without spiders there would be no Spiderman, just a man in tights and that's just weird.
What really got my Spidey Senses tingling was when I walked through yet another spider web on my way out to the movies last week.
Fast-forward 45 minutes, I am sitting in a darkened theater with my friends enjoying X-Men 3. My head itches. Hmmm, I used the special shampoo that was supposed to take care of that. It keeps itching right on top of my forehead. I didn't want to look like the crazy friend who scratches her head so much that she is forced to wear mittens, but I had no choice so I went to scratch and that's when I found it. As I scratched something went 'squish' between my fingers... I had found the source of my itch, I was playing host to a spider!
Mortified, I grabbed the flattened furry beast and flung it. Now in retrospect, I probably flung it onto someone else's head and caused them great distress but I panicked and in my defense I was severely traumatized. Why am I telling you about spiders? Well, because I am very lonely since my friends found out about my spider problem, and spider webs and sin have a lot in common.
In my life I see my sin as one of those spider webs I walk into from time to time. I hate when I walk into it, it feels gross and after I do it I swear I'm not going to be so stupid and walk through one again.
After I walk into a web I am very vigilant about where I walk, I leave the house like a crazy person with my keys out in front of me swinging violently to knock the webs down. It works for a while, but just like those sins in my life that I tend to repeat, after awhile I forget and walk right into one again. GROSS!
So what has this taught me? Well, since said spider incident I no longer use the front door where I know the spiders are. I now go around the back and that's the truth, it's not because my parents told me to because they are embarrassed by me.
And with the sin in my life, the ones I really struggle with, I try to avoid them all together. I once had a priest tell me a story while he was hearing my confession (He was an Irish priest. They love to tell stories). He said there was this man and everyday he walked down the same road and he fell in the same hole. This made the man pretty upset; I guess cause, really, who wants to fall in a hole. So each day he would try to go around the hole but he would still fall in. He would run really fast by it, but he would still fall in the hole. He would try to jump over it; but he would still fall in the hole. Seemed no matter what he did he would fall in this hole. That is until one day the man walked down a different road and guess what? No hole.
What is a sin that you seem to "walk into" over and over again? If your reading this and you don't have one I would just like to take the opportunity to say, "Cool! Jesus is reading this! Hi Jesus, I love you!"
We all have webs of sins in our lives. Jesus gives us the strength to walk new paths around. If you haven't gone to confession for awhile, what are you waiting for? Jesus knows that from time to time we mess up and walk through those webs and he is ready through the sacrament of reconciliation to wipe those webs off and say, "What web?"
Now if that doesn't get your Spidey Senses tingling I don't know what will.

A Letter to the Pope Pusher

Dear lady in the red jacket who pushed the Pope,

Really?  I mean, really?  You pushed the Pope?  He's 82, what were you trying to prove? Are you bummed about Notre Dame football?  And, twice in a row you bum rush my Holy Father on Christmas Eve?  You have some nerve. Are you the jerk that also steals baby Jesus' out of neighborhood Nativity scenes?  Well listen up coo coo clock, the Pope won't be bullied. We believe in turning the other cheek but we also believe in free weights and eating a lot of protein.  All I'm saying is that don't try to push the Pope again because he'll be ready.  I've offered him my services and by Lent he'll be sporting a six pack.
Your worst nightmare,
Judy "the Pope's trainer" McDonald
P.S. you owe a certain cardinal an apology and a new hip.

Merry Christmas!

Merry...

It's almost Christmas time and you know what that means...it will be legal to say MERRY CHRISTMAS! But please remember you may only utter these words on Christmas and to those who you know will not be offended.  Those who get offended by said phrase have never actually been seen but they do exist and are angry and offended and you should buy them a puppy if they spot you in a Christmas sweater.  You have been warned, God speed.

People I am praying for:

Instead of getting angry at people, a wise person once told me to pray for them instead.

• Those who live where it is not 78 degrees like it is here today. Move all ready, you know during winter it's going to snow, that's why they call it winter and not sunny happy summer time.
  
• People who circle the gym parking lot for 20 minutes looking for a spot close to the door so they don't have to walk far but then get inside and walk 20 miles on the treadmill.
• People who's legs are whiter than mine...I blinded a flock of seagulls whilst on the golf course yesterday and three of them died after crashing into trees.
• Whoever thought of the new Levi Strauss commercials, "Pioneers, oh pioneers." I think they need a hug, or a slap.
  
• Those who have never smelled puppy breathe and walked away a better person, puppy breathe is an untapped resource for world peace.
• Doctors without borders, I hope they find them soon and respect them.  They are there for a reason.
• Alec Baldwin, who says he is walking away from acting in 2012 because he is bored with it, I pray he doesn't think politics will fill the void.
• The people who take the McRib off the menu.  I think we are all in agreement, people love, "when the McRib is back".  So just leave it on the menu and sustain the love year round.  This counts for the shamrock shake as well.
• All the kids in the Gap commercials who will one day grow out of their "cutness" and will grow old, alone, bitter, wearing terribly out of date horribly small Gap sweaters from their commercial.
• Poodles...you know why.
  

NCYC 2009 Comedy

Forbes

Finally, the recognition I deserve! I made it into Forbes magazine.  OK, Forbes life, ok, the website, ok, the article is not about me but John Havens but I'm in the picture right next to him on the rowing machine...close enough.

111,646 Miles

I am home after a few months of scary motel rooms, Hog farms, giant conference and tiny parishes.  At last check my air miles for this year added up to 111,646.  Not bad for a girl from Vista.  Still not enough apparently to be upgraded on one of that longest flights of my life.  For some reason the Newark to San Diego flight can never be tamed with all the Benydryl, in flight movie or pretzels in the world.  After sinking into my 7F seat and an hour into the flight I began to accept the fact that I was not going to get bumped this time.  So I settled into my personal space in my row next to the very tall man in the middle seat and next to him an airline employee that I figured is an insomniac and can only soothe himself by riding airplanes at night for free.  I started out by reading the book "Up in the Air" on my kindle.  I'm trying to hurry this one up because it's a George Clooney movie that is coming out soon and I can't see it with only reading half because I wouldn't finish it after seeing the movie, I just know me.  But after reading a few more chapters I get mad because the character gets bumped to first class all the time whilst I sit in 7F.  7F is like second place for a frequent flier.  I know those people in rows 1 through 6, they are no better than the person in row 35 seat A.  Certainly no better than 7F.  I know the look they give me as I walk past them because I gave it on my last flight to the second place losers who did the walk of shame past the blue curtain and into second class citizenship which is coach.  If you are sitting in coach and want a blanket the attendant (who does not like to be called a waitress) will explain to you that since the swine flu has become such a problem blankets are now a health concern because of germs, sorry.  What they forget to say is that if they washed their blankets more than once a month it wouldn't be a problem but washing blankets is expensive and the dollar we charge you for your headphones to the direct TV that is installed but not working doesn't cover the cost of you snuggling up to your paper thin diseased ridden blanket.
If you are sitting in first class and ask for a blanket the waitress will excuse themselves, go to a special closet where silk worms are kept specifically to make your blanket and unveil a brand new blanket that is shrink wrapped and under lock and key.  And if a passenger from coach even looks at your blanket before you get it, the blanket is promptly burned and you are given a new one.
Back to 7F.  I fell asleep but awoke just in time to see the jolly green giant next to me spilling his water in my lap.  So refreshing!  I then saw a cute scene, the flight man attendant (is that proper terminology?) was walking backwards as he assisted a grandma into the bathroom.  He was very patient and made sure he was inside and and then he shut the door and left.  He went to get the drink cart and started delivering drinks while grandma Moses just hung out in the John.  I thought for sure he would have the lady stewardess take over for a while as he went to go rescue grandma from the John but he never did!  Finally I rang my call button and he shot a "coach look" at me which says, I don't get paid enough to help you if you are choking but you could be Sandra Bullock and are accidentally flying in  coach so I'll come help you this once but it better be good.  I looked at him and said, "You left the grandma in the bathroom!"  He rolled his eyes and went to the bathroom and put his ear against the door (which is way grosser than using a coach blanket) and threw his hands up in the air.  I guess she wasn't ready to come out since he heard no signs of life.  He walked by 7F making sure not to make eye contact and went back to serving drinks.  All I could think of was the sad grandma being too short and weak to open the door and sitting back down or worse yet being thrown back onto the toilet during turbulence and accidentally hitting the flush button and being sucked out over one of the middle states.  Trapped in the window seat I did the only thing a good Catholic girl could do and asked Jesus to help the grandma out.  I said she could borrow my angel for awhile if she needed.  As soon as I did that he went back and like a fireman rescuing someone trapped in a burning building opened the door and helped her out.  I was so glad she was standing when he found her and not stuck halfway in between the plane and over a cornfield. I fell back asleep knowing that the grandma was OK and if all went right she would make it to San Diego to see her family or her Marine recruiter.

Then a very strange thing happened, I was startled awake by turbulence but more than that a smell.  I had smelled that scent before.  Let's just say 7F is a row back from the middle lavatory and maybe after 3 hours into this flight and 5 other flights today it had finally revolted and was done.  Every time the door would open people in the first few rows of coach would put their heads further down into their pillows, sweatshirts or if he smelled OK, their neighbors arm.  Like a seasoned detective going into a crime scene I reached for my childhood friend, my 3 oz container of Vicks.  I slabbed some into my nose and for awhile I escaped "the smell".  But after awhile it just smelled like a mixture of Vicks and "the smell".  With a time check I saw the I only had 3 more hours left in the flight.  No problem, I will use this time as a kind of redemptive suffering.  What would Mother Teresa do in a situation like this?  She rescued people from the slums and no doubt it smelled much worse than this.  I can do this, I can...not do this!  I'm going to explode, I am not Mother Teresa, I will never move to India, I need fresh air, I need to breathe, I hate flying, I hate coach, I should be up there in first class, I have enough miles, who do these people think they are sitting in MY SEAT?
And then I remembered or rather my exhausted Guardian Angel reminded me, I had loaded a full season of Golden Girls on my ipod before I had left.  I calmly shoved more Vicks up my nose assumed as much as a fetal position as I could in my 7F home and watched 2 hours and 45 minutes of Blanche, Sophia, Rose and Dorothy until we prepared the cabin for landing.  Upon touch down in San Diego I made a promise to myself.  "I am not flying again until 2010 and when 2010 comes and it's time to fly again, I will not fly without nose plugs, my Snuggie, Horse tranquilizers and depends!"

NCYC 2009 Blog

Last weekend I had the extreme pleasure of being with 22,000 of my closest friends at the National Catholic Youth Conference.  I had my very own concurrent session and was also part of the comedy club.  There's something special about walking around a convention center and knowing that if you suddenly drop dead you will get last rites from one of the countless priests walking around or even one of the 27 Bishops who flew in from all over the country (they took a plane because everyone knows only Cardinals and up can fly with the help of the their holy cape) to hang out with their flocks.

A great thing about the conference was the fact that I got to see all  my buddies who also travel and have fun jobs for Jesus.  We all had dinner at the Japanese steak house one night but I feel that none of them quite had the same experience that I had.  I just really appreciate Japanese hibachi showmanship, when good food and good entertainment meet, it's magical.


I also got to see the return of my friend Bob, who just a few months earlier suffered a series of strokes and was even paralyzed for awhile.  To see him on stage in front of thousands of people was truly awesome.  I especially liked his idea of turning a collection of piñatas and toilet paper loose on the crowd.

It's times like this when I get to look around and feel normal with what I do. Maybe it's just being surrounded by other weird people who have the same kind of job that I do.
I get to relax and be surrounded by fun Catholic people who understand what it's like not to have a traditional job in the eyes of the secular world or in the eye's of the church.  Sometimes the only eye's that really get us is the big JC.  We work for Jesus and we also like slapstick.  This is why he sent them out in 2's...so they wouldn't feel like dorks.

Bacon Has a Face...and a snout and a curly tail.

Greetings from my new bacon free life...oops, never mind apparently I ate some friends who made their way onto my meat lovers pizza.  I thought meat lovers meant, I love...oh, never mind.

Goose, Geese, Gack!

I am...the goose whisperer.

Corn, Cats and Dogs

My home for the last week has been on a family farm in Indiana and boy has it been fun and aromatic, I never really knew the punch hog manure had until I experienced it first hand.

Wow.


Now that I'm in the know, I was so outraged that there was still corn in the field that I attacked it with a judo chop.  Little did I know that corn is not a passive crop.  It sucker punched me immediately after this picture was taken...I hate corn.  It's unnatural for us to eat. It comes out the same way it goes in.  And for that reason, I am denouncing corn.

But I do enjoy the sight of 30 loitering cats hanging out by the dog food.  That just puts a smile on my face and makes my nose run.  Cats on a farm are good because they give the mice something to fear.  And mice need to be taught that they are not the boss of everything.  Look at what happened to Mickey when the power went to his head.  This is why I tolerate 30 cats on a farm.  And I don't mind if they eat corn.

Of course my favorite thing on the farm is the labs. Yellow, chocolate and black all living in harmony,  truly God's favorite animal.  But, I was told not to let God's favorite animals too close to the kittens as they tend to snack on them if given the opportunity, duly noted.

Eternal Make Up

One day you will die.  Sorry, you will.  Have you thought about it?  Have you thought about the fact that one day your friends and family will gather around your coffin one last time to say goodbye?  Have you thought about the fact that they might not recognize you when they see you lying in the coffin?  Is it because your soul is gone and now you really are not there anymore, but it's just your earthly shell?  Or is it because the person who did your makeup and gave you your eternal perm had no idea who you were or what you really looked like.  The person in the coffin doesn't mind but it's more of a trauma inflicted on those saying goodbye. 
Why do funeral homes insist on putting blue eye shadow on women and blush that must be called Rosacea on the package, not good.
I remember my grandma's funeral.  Not only was it terribly sad because I lost my best friend, but when I walked up to her casket I thought there had been some sort of mistake and they were trying to pass off Robin Williams dressed up like Mrs. Doubtfire as my grandma!
I understand that once we die and especially if our bodies go through a tramatic death, it shows and we won't look that "peaceful, like she's sleeping".  But really, I don't think some places even try.
I  think funeral home make up is a special calling and I don't think enough people are picking up the phone.  I know this is a weird topic, but sooner or later it will effect all of us...unless your cremated.  Then, never mind.

Florida

I was in Florida this weekend and met up with old friends and also met all sorts of new friends.
My favorite adopted grandma and her family met me on Saturday after my talk and took me out for local cuisine, "Applebees".  I love my grandma, and I'm pretty sure I'm her favorite "adopted white grandkid".
Later that night my friends, the Wright's took me to partake in one of my favorite hobbies, visiting Walmarts of our Country.  So fun and so good for the soul. 
I also met Abbey.  Abbey is a retired service dog.  She's done being a helper because her master who she helped was healed!  And not just from a broken leg or a bad back but from MS...Abbey is OK with being retired I'm sure, at 12 she was probably sick of folding laundry and doing the dishes.

Apparently I might have mentioned during my talk that I am fond of Irish Catholic doctors and my new Sister friend from Uganda mentioned she had a nephew I could marry.  Her best line during our conversation was, "he's black." 

Sunday I realized my power cord for my Macbook was sitting in my house in Vista.  Now the new MacBook Pro's battery is good and lasts a long time but not 16 day good...off to Best Buy.  My ride was non other than one of my new best friends from Escondido.  Only I would have to go to Florida to meet people from 15 minutes away from my house.  Lucy and her mom and aunt were at the conference and were so much fun.  Lucy also graduated from USD and currently lives in Medjugorje and works in Mothers Village where she cares for a 2 year old little girl. USD seems to keep pumping out saints.

Oh, I also had a stare down with a cow.  The cow won.

Des Moines, IA

It's been very exciting so far in Des Moines, Iowa.  I got to meet the Bishop AND a giant piece of corn.  Saturday night I performed for a group of young adults who gathered in the Diocese offices, which use to be a bank, but now are the offices which both confused and delighted me.  Anyway, that was very fun.  After that we drove about an hour to the St. Thomas More Center which is about 3 miles from the middle of nowhere.  On the way we were systematically stalked by suicidal deer who tried to throw themselves in front of the Suburban.  I have learned from my short time here in Iowa, that if you happen to hit a deer while driving it's best to just step on the gas and barrel through Bambi because if you were to break, it causes your vehicle to dip down and that allows the deer to break through your wind shield and impale you.  Then for the rest of your life you have to walk around with antlers sticking out of your head.  And at parties when you sit down people will mistakenly put their coats on your head because they think you are the coat rack and that's not fun, quite frankly it's embarrassing. Adult acne is hard enough.  Adult acne and deer antlers would frankly be too much.

I also saw a shop that was not open at the time but sparked my interest.  Apparently it's the place in town to go if you have a hankering for some rump roast and also have to get your bike fixed, simply brilliant.  One stop shopping at it's finest. 
We were also regaled of stories of what will happen if you die and no one finds your body for several days...and you have cats.  That cat that you took care of, petted, feed and cleaned up after, will in fact start to eat you.  True story.  I also learned that most of the chickens we eat don't have beaks.  Why?  I don't know, that was not explained to me.  All I know is that unless I see it and kill it myself, I ain't gonna eat it.  Gosh, I hope I hit a dear on the way to the airport because I have been afraid to eat since I got here.

Minnesota and Iowa

I have so much to tell you...so much.

First of all, in Iowa and Minnesota they eat a thing called taco in a bag.  It's brilliant.  Basically it's a taco but instead of a shell, everything you would find in a shell is instead in a bag of chips.  If the joint is fancy, Dorritos.  I think if Mexico ever hears about this many tortilla jobs will be lost and several pounds will be gained.

Also I learned that in Iowa if you take a certain class you have to carry around a fake baby with you to a youth rally.  Isn't that awesome?  At my high school, there were real babies, but now with technology, we can just use dolls, that's cool.

There was so much more to tell, like how Farmville let me communicate better with my Mid-Western kin, but I will save it for next week as I return to Iowa on Friday.

Go Corn!

Walk with a View

On my walk along the beach this morning I had company.  I kept pace with a pod of dolphin.  As I chugged along they swam and scared the crud out of surfers by popping up right beneath them then cutting the off on waves.  A few times they would actually surf in the waves and then jump out before the wave broke.  It was the coolest thing ever.  It was right up there with the time I was flying in first class while Golden Girls was on the direct tv...that's how cool it was.  My camera phone does not do the scene justice, but you get the idea.  I wonder if somewhere a dolphin is retelling the story of how he kept pace whilst a smoking hot chick clunked along the boardwalk; probably has a better camera phone than me.

Holy Birthday!

Today was a new record for a birthday party: 3 priests, a deacon, 2 sacristans a campus minister and a golden retriever.
Best party ever!  Once again the average age at the party was 73. I learned many things of value from my guests none of which I can share at this time.  Next year's guest list will include the Pope...maybe.

St. Norbert

I'm at St. Norbert College today looking for the illusive "white squirrel" and telling jokes to people who are angry that it's already FREEZING and it's not even Halloween yet.  It was hard to get here thanks to Joe Biden and his field trip to Minnesota which clogged up the airports for several hours, but now that I'm here, I'm leaving tomorrow at 5am.  No rest for the funny.